l Choose to Delete...

One time, I made a pact to write something everyday - okay, I said that in January at my writer's group and I just now started the blog in April, but at least I did start the blog before the next set of New Year's resolutions rolled around so...

This morning, I opened my e-mail to discover yet another highly offensive, hate-filled forward that boiled my blood and prompted me to finally hit "reply" and just let this person know I do NOT appreciate the insinuation that I believe this way. I so wanted to fill that empty e-mail box with all the anger I feel each time I see those ludicrous contentions sent to me, the ignorance of such a costly assumption that I somehow would appreciate being informed about one lie or another, jotted in some poorly-written, grammatically incorrect way. I carefully wrote that reply, a self-considered eloquent rendering of my hope that I might be left off the future forwards, as my political/social/religious/human beliefs were in direct odds to the content of said forwards.

I proofread and spell-checked my reply and then, I just deleted the whole darn thing. I decided it is more powerful to explore the anger than to ignite some battle in which I do not wish to engage. I am not naive enough to believe to change that person's mind - in fact, they would only form a similar opinion of me as I have recently formed of them. Plus, it is only a slew of e-mail forwards and, as my husband once told me in the middle of a rant about this very issue, "Don't take it so personally."

But, when your beliefs are insulted, even through the anonymity of made-up e-mails purporting to be truth, it does feel personal. When the person on the other end of that e-mail is a person you once considered a good friend, a com padre who shared your view of the world, it is hard to reject it as completely impersonal. It hurts to know that people may have changed in a way that leaves you out - or that, at the very least, your perception has been shaken.

And all because of a string of e-mails. How ridiculous, really. If we never had the computer connection, I could continue believing this friendship had not changed, outside of the obvious logistical alterations. I would not need to have this conversation with myself at all - in fact, I would just go on my merry way.

But, without the computer connection, I would not have this blog or the topic for this blog post, and thus would not have met my goal for this day - at least not in this way. And I do not know that it would be the best thing for me, were that true. Sometimes we need to take our perceptions of a thing, and throw those perceptions head-long into the reality of the thing, and see how it all mashes up together. This is how we grow and learn and move past anger - how we can go beyond simple rants to a dialogue, even if only with ourselves.

At least, that is how I choose to do so.