Things the Steelers Ruined for Me, 2009 Edition

So, the Steelers' record rests at six-and-six, and the playoffs loom ahead as opportunity for teams who haven't blown their fair share of fourth quarter leads over the past three months. We in Steeler Nation collectively weep into our beer-stained Terrible Towels and cry out in despair, "Why? Oh, the talent wasted! Oh, Troy, please come back and save us with your superhuman-ness! What the heck kind of defense is that? Are you seriously telling me we can't score a touchdown in the red zone against the Oakland Raiders? Oh, spare us from this never-ending nightmare!" (If you think this is exaggeration, you clearly have never done busniess with a die-hard Steeler fan...)

While some might wonder where to put that frustration, I will place mine squarely into this blog post, so appropriately titled. Here, dear friends, are the things now ruined for me - at least for the time being:

**My morning routine. I can no longer watch "Mike and Mike" on ESPN or, conversely, listen to them in my car on my way to court. No, they might inadvertently mention the NFL season and that could send me straight into apoplexy. Now, I have no direction while drinking my coffee and flip mindlessly through the channels trying desperately to avoid all sports information like the plague. When I come out of bed in the morning, Greenie and Golic don't greet me anymore like they have in the recent past. Ol' Scotty P. has that ridiculous Robin Meade from HLN blaring her cheesy pageant smile and I just can't take it for a minute. My whole start to the day wrecked. Thanks a bunch, black and gold.

**Christmas. You just know there will be packages under the tree filled with Steelers' trinkets and wares. And while I still love 'em with a white hot passion, every sight of black and gold memorabalia is currently like a kinfe in the gut, a reminder of what could have been. I'm sure this feeling may diminish in the next few weeks - especially if there happen to be at least a couple of wins mixed in there - but right now, this is where I am and I can't help it. (And I know I'm not alone, either.)

**Weekends in January. As if the post-holiday depression and weight gain isn't bad enough, I am slowy coming to the sad realization that my weekends will be devoid of football games about which I actually care. Nothing to look forward to when the tree comes down and the presents put away. No hope for that extra game in February. Gone, all gone. Blah.

**My motivation to cook dinner. I don't get any domestic traits honestly, so for me to actually get into the kitchen and cook takes some doing. Usually, I can put on "Around the Horn" (aka "Sports Shouting" for all you 30 Rock fans!) and listen to Woody and the fellows debate while whipping up one of my signature dishes - of which I only have several. All the sports stimuli truly gets me into the culinary spirit and, dare I say it, I find it enjoyable - especially when "Pardon the Interruption" follows. As you might guess, I can't watch these shows anymore and, thus, I have zero drive to cook anything. I hope we don't starve. I really, really do. But unless something turns around on the gridiron, I can't promise anything.

**My will to live. Just kidding - come on, now! I know I'm crazy about those stinky Steelers, but I haven't completely lost it! Especially when you consider there are still four more games on the schedule and if all the stars aligned just so and several AFC teams got lost on their way to the stadiums on Sunday afternoon and perhaps a few of them took pity on Pittsburgh and forfeited, we're still alive for a Wild Card spot!! Here We Go, Pittsburgh - Stairway to Seven, baby!!

Wants and Needs

This time of year, one might be tempted to give in to the urges from advertisers that you "NEED" this or that or some other thing. One may find oneself bombarded with catalogues from Sears and Lands End and Bass Pro Shops every time the mailbox is opened. To combat this I shop consistently all year long, so that this time of year is no harder or easier than, say, the middle of March.

But I kid - kind of. It is easy to get caught up in looking around to marvel at all the stuff out there from which to choose. Sometimes, in the grocery store, I get a slight panic attack when I realize just how much food is in there. I remember the stories of foreigners from, say, the old Soviet Union who visited American supermarkets to nearly faint at the sheer amount of fresh food available at all times with no rations or shortages. These tales play through my head as I push my cart around and around and past all the aisles of wares I've never even looked at, let alone eaten. (An aside: I hate the grocery store. This is only one of many reasons why.)

As if this wasn't enough, Christmas piles on the pressure, even though it is often subtle. I'm fairly adept at ignoring most ploys, but sometimes I find myself pulled into a pile of overpriced sweatshirts and actually consider whether to purchase one. Then, I may see a pretty charm bracelet placed ever so conveniently next to this display and think, "Hmm. That would match so nicely." Before you can blink, I've racked up a potential price tag of over one hundred dollars.

Is it the soft Christmas music playing and the warm, homey smells of the small store? Why do I suddenly feel that I simply can not leave without these trinkets? I don't know how to answer this, but I quickly come to my senses and realize these are not necessities - especially at over one hundred dollars. Good golly!

Yes, that red sweatshirt and silver bracelet might be things I want - especially at that moment. But when I return home to find two excited pups and one smiling husband waiting for me, I understand precisely how much those things do not matter.

I do have all the things I need right here. All year 'round.

Impending Holiday Mayhem

It's Mashed Potato Season - aka Thanksgiving and Christmas-time. Time for frantic holiday traveling schedules and overindulgence of food and drink. And I, for one, can't wait! Bring it on!

But, the hidden excitement for me in this time of year lies in the cinema. The quality films are set to debut, and there are more than a few I am anxious to see. Even though the list is mainly high-brow, there are several movies destined for no bigger an award than the MTV movie popcorn man - and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Don't count out a pleasure just because it happens to be guilty!

**The Twilight Saga - New Moon: Okay. Spare me the criticism. I have plenty of problems with Ms. Meyer's books and that could be a series of blog posts itself. But, no one could accuse her of not telling a damn fine story or failing to invent intriguing characters. And I might be the only person on the planet who found the "Twilight" movie somewhat more fascinating than the first book - it could be the stylistic director, Catherine Hardwicke of "Thirteen" fame, or the mystique of Robert Pattinson's oddness. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it somehow penetrated my subconscious and, thus, I am looking forward to the next installment in a way even I had not anticipated. While I won't be able to muddle through crowds of squealing teens on the first weekend, I will catch it eventually. (FYI: I'm Team Jacob. Big time. How is that even a debate?)

**The Blind Side: My big weakness when it comes to movies? Sports stories. Even better? Football films. This true tale of Michael Oher's life and eventual draft into the NFL could be only mediocre and I guarantee I'll still shed tears. The trailer alone is kind of a weeper. But, the early reviews are that it's quite good and after reading a story about the real adoptive mother, Sandra Bullock's Leigh Ann Tuohy, and how she's such a pistol even Ms. Bullock was intimidated when meeting her, I'm so looking forward to this one. Strangely enough, "serious" movies are often uber-depressing and realistic. We already know this one comes out with a happy ending and so you can look forward to two hours of goodness.

**Precious: Definitely designed to make you squirm and think rather than feel good about yourself, this award season front-runner is high on my short list. Helmed by an unknown youngster, Gabourey Sidibie, and comic Mo'Nique, this is a dark inner-city tale of an abused teenager surrounded by poverty and bleakness. The acting is rumored to be devestating and the melodrama nearly on the brink. Having said that, one can guess my husband is hardly interested, as the trailer alone is way "too real" for him. As for me, I am pretty much frothing at the mouth to get my ticket. It can't get "too real" for me, as evidenced by my love of documentaries and films like "Sherrybaby." And I'm rooting for director Lee Daniels to become only the second African American nominated for Best Director at the Academy Awards. (John Singleton for "Boyz 'n the Hood" in 1991 is the first - and only, at this point. And a bit of trivia for you: Lee Daniels is openly gay, a fact which would make his nomination doubly influential in terms of Oscar history.)

**Invictus: The true story of Nelson Mandela, played by perennial good guy Morgan Freeman, and the inspirational 1995 Rugby World Cup in South Africa, this one is destined to be fantastic. If you don't know the almost too-good-to-be-true tale - which I didn't until the Espy awards this past summer - Nelson Mandela basically united a bloody, torn, damaged nation through rugby. While that is incredibly overly simplistic to the point of being offensive, I think we should all just see this Clint Eastwood movie. (What screams "Oscar" like Clint Eastwood?) To drive home the point - Matt Damon stars as the rugby team captain. Ahhh...what could be better than that?

**Brothers: After seeing the trailer while watching "Public Enemies" I became obsessed with this tale of two brothers, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire, and their war-influenced love triangle with one brother's wife, Natalie Portman. Again, this looks disturbing and dramatic and...awesome. It might not win any awards, but I'll be the judge of whether it wins a spot in my DVD collection. (Early odds indicate yes.)

**Up in the Air: I truly don't know many details about this new George Clooney film. But, knowing it stars George Clooney, what other details do you really need?

And I'll see you at the movies...after the last helping of mashed potatoes, naturally.

Spooktacular, Spooktacular

It's the most wonderful time of the year: fall. The weather and leaves and smells are all great. But, really, it's the football which truly makes it all perfection. Our weekends in Morgantown for WVU games have simply been heavenly and this past Sunday, we capped it off with a bonus trip to Heniz Field to jeer Brett Favre to his first loss of the season. My sincere inner peace at this simple feat can not be exaggerated. There are no words. It. Was. Awesome.

Anyway, now it's all downhill to Halloween, which is one of my favorite holidays, even though I don't always get to dress-up anymore and my trick-or-treating is a past memory. But, I do make it a fine tradition to scare myself silly with some spooky flicks. I can enjoy the traditional "Halloween" and "Nightmare on Elm Street" and I'm not squeamish when it comes to gore. I had a fine time with "Sorority Row" and "Last House on the Left" - both the old and new versions. But, I thought I'd share some of my real favorites - not just movies, but true films:

**The Exorcist: Simply put, it's the single best, most frightening film ever made. Even now, having watched it a million times, I appreciate the underlying horror in every frame. The director's version with that new shot of the "backward stair-walk" caused me sleeplessness for a few days - and I was in my twenties.

**Rosemary's Baby: My absolute favorite in the genre, the tone of this movie is one I find most interesting. I've watched it so many times, I can recite the dialogue by memory. Mia Farrow is absolute perfcection. That devil rape scene? Pretty darn disturbing.

**The Sixth Sense: Nothing compares to the first time, but even after you know the reveal, the whole film holds up well. It's a modern masterpiece, I think.

**The Shining: Oh, Jack, you are something else. Nothing compares to the book for sheer terror, but this film, with its eerie wide shots and haunting score still gets under my skin. Classic.

**Picnic at Hanging Rock: Not your regular horror film at all, but if you have not seen this Peter Weir marvel, you should. It's got the creepiest foreboding dread and will certainly stick with you. Nothing outrageous happens, but I don't like to watch it by myself.

I hope to add to this list, as "Paranormal Activity" has arrived in Asheville. I love when tiny films like that take everyone by surprise. I also read a story that when Stepen Spielberg screened the DVD at this home, he walked into his hallway and found his bathroom door locked, which caused him to believe the DVD was haunted. Now, that's a movie I must watch!

Have a Ghoulishy Wicked Halloween. Don't get too scared!

Second Verse, Same as the First!

It always amazes me how everything runs on a cycle and there really are no new ideas. (Except possibly in Quentin Tarantino's mind, which is another topic entirely.) Witness the latest installment of rewind: the television series "V."

There are several distinct examples of obsession from my childhood which reign above all the other more minor ones - my desire to be a red-headed orphan ala Annie, my bonnet-wearing days where I hoped to gain buck teeth and morph into Laura Ingalls, and then my love of lizard-skinned aliens in the "V" miniseries and the weekly serial. When I first saw those scaley skins under the fake human facade, I fell instantly in love - and to me, that does not mean that I just enjoyed the program a little bit. Oh no, when Steph finds something she loves, all bets are off: it's pure, unadulterated infatuation from that point forward.

To put this into perspective, I will tell you a little tale of my fifth grade year: I spent every recess putting on grand reproductions of "V" on the playground. Because I started the idea, I got to be Mike Donovan, played by the dreamy (to me at the time) Marc Singer. I knew the most about the "V" world and I brought the weapons to school, so I was in charge. (I realize that today, bringing fake guns to the schoolyard would get me expelled and possibly thrown into juvie. Let this be a lesson to the over-reactors out there: I am today a functioning member of society. Who at ten years old chased my classmates trying to stun them into submission every afternoon with a white plastic weapon. I think we can all see that not every kid with pretend artillery turns into Columbine-like murderers. It's worse. They could turn into attorneys.)

Anyway, I decided recess was not enough time to carry on my charade. So, I started inhabiting my role of Mike Donovan all day, everyday in school. I would not respond to "Stephanie" anymore - only Mike. I wrote Mike Donovan on my papers and talked in class incessantly about "V" and my theories on the plotlines. My less-than-desirable teacher wrote a note home to my mom about my behavior, but I don't think my mom ever got that note because what dumb-ass teacher gives a kid a note to deliver to their mother? Seriously. (I later got in trouble for that because, apparantly, if a dumb-ass teacher writes a note for a parent and hears no response, they assume the note never reached its intended destination. Oh well - I say I get points for trying, anyway...)

This was the first time in quite forever since I had really fit in at school and had any friends. Kids in my class would approach me on the playground and ask if they could be in "V" with me. Kids from other classes started to show interest, too. If I didn't like them much, I made them faceless, nameless aliens who would be gunned down unmercilessly at any given time. I waited with baited breath for Friday nights to spend that glorious hour watching "V" and planning my attack for Monday morning. It was a great highlight in my history, I can tell you.

Of course, nothing lasts forever. Pretty soon, I had to give up my daily acting (against my will, I might add) and go back to answering to my given name. It got cold outside in western Pennsylvania, so the days of gunning down aliens ended. I still loved "V" but came to a conclusion: not everybody was as "into" it as me. (This lesson has served me well throughout my life, too. Just because I spend every waking minute thinking about something I love a lot does not mean other people share my exuberance.)

And now, after all these years of re-watching grainy VHS tapes and upgraded DVD versions, there is a new installment ready to appear. Could it be any better than that old one? Probably yes, to a new generation. No doubt the special effects will have improved - though that fact alone makes me a little sad. I hold a special fondness for those old shaky sets. There won't be any Marc Singer in the cast (that I know of) but we do have Scott Wolf of "Party of Five" fame on board and Juliet from "LOST" so I don't think it's all bad.

I guess we'll have to wait and see. But for me, as I hearken back to those old days of "V" and the love I hold for it, I have an inkling I'll be dusting off the old version and popping that into the DVD player more than I will be transfixed by this new one. We'll see, of course. I'll try to post an update of my reaction after I've seen it. Until then, if I can get my hands on any plastic weapons, would anyone care to join me in my backyard for a game of chase-the-alien-and-stun-it-into-submission? No? Okay.

I didn't think so, really, but it was worth a shot.

Stuff I Learned From the Boob Tube

And "they" say TV will rot your brain...whoever "they" are anyway:

**If you are married to a man who never lets you see him naked and has a strange past history, you very well could be married to a woman pretending to be a man. This seems quite preposterous, but I've heard it time and time again and it's even been on Oprah - not just once, but several times. And for crying out loud, everyone knows Oprah only deals in hard cold facts. So, do whatever you need to do out there to protect yourself from these types of con artists. Because this would be a hard thing to explain to the friends and family, you know?

**If you happen to be in front of Judge Judy for any reason, don't put your hands in your pockets. This ticks her off. As do a slew of other inexplicable behaviors, like trying to explain your side in a case. But, really, if you've decided that Judge Judy is the proper arbitor of any contested matter, then that's on you.

**If, by chance, you have killed a spouse in a certain way (i.e. drowning them in a hot tub/bathtub or pushing them from a mountain) and seemingly gotten away with said crime (i.e. you are free to marry again) don't decide to kill the new spouse in the same manner in which you offed the first one. It's suspicious. You tend to raise a few eyebrows. Then, they just tack on the first murder to the second, and that doesn't do your chances at acquittal any justice.

**In keeping with the above example, there are numerous creative ways to murder someone. Most are extremely effective, especially the slow poisoning. Or the fake robbery set-up with a dead witness. Or an axe to the head. Unfortunately, most killers get caught. But, at least give yourself a fighting chance by not using too much repetition.

**People don't understand that when you have a child, you are responsible for teaching them right from wrong. Small humans aren't necessarily programmed to just do what you tell them to do. You actually have to instruct them using this method called reinforcement and punishment. In this case, repetition is not only recommended, it is crucial. If you don't do this properly, there are several options available to you: Supernanny, Nanny 911, or learning the proper etiquette for jailhouse visits. I guess it's up to you, but I'd just go with common sense and realize that a kid is not the boss of me.

**Attorneys are not, as a general rule, attractive people who should be allowed before the camera, even if it's only for a lame bit about "getting money for you." Seriously, it's just one more example of my belief that we ought to go back to our roots and bring back the powdered wigs and costumes to the courthouses. Because some of these jokers who want to represent you need a serious makeover. And a good diet plan.

**Late at night, people will plunk down their had-earned cash for just about any piece of crap you want to sell them. Witness the popularity of the "Snuggie." And the "Snuggie for Dogs." I really think these people are just up late buying trinkets from infomercials because they are drunk off their asses. And speaking from experience, you've got to be pretty loaded before this stuff looks so appealing that you just can't wait 'til morning to call in that order.

So, stay tuned folks - because the life lessons just keep on coming! And they can't, they won't, and they don't stop!!

Happiness Abounds

As promised, it's not all Negative Nelly around here - there are plenty of things for which I'm super-duper happy and I'm not afraid to say it!

**No list can be complete without mention of my two best friends - the dogs. After little Beagle Gracie suffered a seizure at the vet's office two weeks ago, I realize how deeply I care for both pooches. And though that experience was scary, it put things in perspective and I see how precious each day is. I'm thankful I have such terrific pets and such a fun little family with whom I can spend my days.

**I'm glad for my love of documentary filmmaking. I can't be sure where it started, but I have a very early memory of sitting in my parents' living room at about seven years of age watching a documentary on PBS about a Holocaust survivor re-visiting some of the camps in Germany as a grown woman. The impact of that has stayed with me and now, I am riveted by documentaries and the often painful stories they tell. The insights I've gained from such films are undescribable, and I'm grateful I can appreciate this often under-appreciated film medium.

**Although I often complain about having gone to law school and deciding upon that particular career, I am quite happy that I have such a degree and opportunity in my back pocket should I ever need it. Sometimes I don't think of it as a benefit - more as a curse or some sort of embarrassment. But, in reality, it's not something I'd give up. I might change some of my choices here and there as they relate to my career, but the main decision I'd probably keep the same.

**Above most other things, I am supremely happy to be lucky enough to have grown up in the Pittsburgh area. At one point in my life, I would not likely have counted this as a blessing. You really don't appreciate things as much as you should until they are removed from you. Now, this is such a large part of my heritage and I am most proud of it.