Stuff I Learned From the Boob Tube

And "they" say TV will rot your brain...whoever "they" are anyway:

**If you are married to a man who never lets you see him naked and has a strange past history, you very well could be married to a woman pretending to be a man. This seems quite preposterous, but I've heard it time and time again and it's even been on Oprah - not just once, but several times. And for crying out loud, everyone knows Oprah only deals in hard cold facts. So, do whatever you need to do out there to protect yourself from these types of con artists. Because this would be a hard thing to explain to the friends and family, you know?

**If you happen to be in front of Judge Judy for any reason, don't put your hands in your pockets. This ticks her off. As do a slew of other inexplicable behaviors, like trying to explain your side in a case. But, really, if you've decided that Judge Judy is the proper arbitor of any contested matter, then that's on you.

**If, by chance, you have killed a spouse in a certain way (i.e. drowning them in a hot tub/bathtub or pushing them from a mountain) and seemingly gotten away with said crime (i.e. you are free to marry again) don't decide to kill the new spouse in the same manner in which you offed the first one. It's suspicious. You tend to raise a few eyebrows. Then, they just tack on the first murder to the second, and that doesn't do your chances at acquittal any justice.

**In keeping with the above example, there are numerous creative ways to murder someone. Most are extremely effective, especially the slow poisoning. Or the fake robbery set-up with a dead witness. Or an axe to the head. Unfortunately, most killers get caught. But, at least give yourself a fighting chance by not using too much repetition.

**People don't understand that when you have a child, you are responsible for teaching them right from wrong. Small humans aren't necessarily programmed to just do what you tell them to do. You actually have to instruct them using this method called reinforcement and punishment. In this case, repetition is not only recommended, it is crucial. If you don't do this properly, there are several options available to you: Supernanny, Nanny 911, or learning the proper etiquette for jailhouse visits. I guess it's up to you, but I'd just go with common sense and realize that a kid is not the boss of me.

**Attorneys are not, as a general rule, attractive people who should be allowed before the camera, even if it's only for a lame bit about "getting money for you." Seriously, it's just one more example of my belief that we ought to go back to our roots and bring back the powdered wigs and costumes to the courthouses. Because some of these jokers who want to represent you need a serious makeover. And a good diet plan.

**Late at night, people will plunk down their had-earned cash for just about any piece of crap you want to sell them. Witness the popularity of the "Snuggie." And the "Snuggie for Dogs." I really think these people are just up late buying trinkets from infomercials because they are drunk off their asses. And speaking from experience, you've got to be pretty loaded before this stuff looks so appealing that you just can't wait 'til morning to call in that order.

So, stay tuned folks - because the life lessons just keep on coming! And they can't, they won't, and they don't stop!!

Happiness Abounds

As promised, it's not all Negative Nelly around here - there are plenty of things for which I'm super-duper happy and I'm not afraid to say it!

**No list can be complete without mention of my two best friends - the dogs. After little Beagle Gracie suffered a seizure at the vet's office two weeks ago, I realize how deeply I care for both pooches. And though that experience was scary, it put things in perspective and I see how precious each day is. I'm thankful I have such terrific pets and such a fun little family with whom I can spend my days.

**I'm glad for my love of documentary filmmaking. I can't be sure where it started, but I have a very early memory of sitting in my parents' living room at about seven years of age watching a documentary on PBS about a Holocaust survivor re-visiting some of the camps in Germany as a grown woman. The impact of that has stayed with me and now, I am riveted by documentaries and the often painful stories they tell. The insights I've gained from such films are undescribable, and I'm grateful I can appreciate this often under-appreciated film medium.

**Although I often complain about having gone to law school and deciding upon that particular career, I am quite happy that I have such a degree and opportunity in my back pocket should I ever need it. Sometimes I don't think of it as a benefit - more as a curse or some sort of embarrassment. But, in reality, it's not something I'd give up. I might change some of my choices here and there as they relate to my career, but the main decision I'd probably keep the same.

**Above most other things, I am supremely happy to be lucky enough to have grown up in the Pittsburgh area. At one point in my life, I would not likely have counted this as a blessing. You really don't appreciate things as much as you should until they are removed from you. Now, this is such a large part of my heritage and I am most proud of it.

Thanks For Nothin...

Sometimes, it is rewarding to think of all the things in your life for which you are grateful and take a moment to ponder life's gifts, both big and small. This is not one of those times.

Thanks for nothin':

**West Virginia PowerBall. Yet again, you let me down with your picking numbers which did not match the ones the computer picked for me. Now, I have to continue with my life's goals to make money and retire like a normal person with such goals. No magic dream vacation to some private island where I sip Mojitos all day long whilst laying about in the sun on a perfect beach of bliss. No endless shopping trips to the Kate Spade store where I get to buy things full-price and not off eBay. No payoff checks for my mortgage. No RV to drive to Mountaineer football games. Yeah, thanks for nothin'.

**Pittsburgh Steelers. You, upon whom I pin my entire week's happiness, can't seem to honor me with a win lately. I know you can't win them all. I'm not asking to win them all. How about winning more than you lose? How about that? Huh? Don't you know I am only one of millions in Steeler Nation whose entire Sunday night may be ruined after you allow the pitiful Bungals to score a touchdown after two consecutive 4th and 10 conversions? Yeah. Ugh.

**WVU Mountaineers. Okay, you aren't so bad as the Steelers. Yet. Let's keep it that way and forget that dreadful rainy performance in Alabama a week ago. Please.

**Academy Awards. Seriously, I wait all year for this night - which is bigger than most other nights in my life (unless the Steelers are in the Super Bowl which, at this point, looks like a longer shot than the West Virginia PowerBall, making the Oscars the premiere event of the winter in the Poling household) and I work diligently to see all nominated films. Now, you expand the field to ten nominees for Best Picture, so that unworthy commercial projects can be included and further reinforce the idea that the public's opinion is the same as critical opinion. Now, I love a dumb, guilty pleasure as much as or more than the next person - I mean, I own the movie "Hush" with Gwyneth Paltrow and I love that movie and no one will ever accuse it of being quality filmmaking. But come on. We don't need any more attention paid to these projects. Why mess with something which works for the most part and which makes me happy? Don't you know I am change-adverse? Please come to your senses after this year and change it back, so my little world can return to normal.

**Brett Favre. Can't you just suck in your umpteenth comeback so I could have that small bit of atonement? Maybe later? Okay.

All right, I think I'm done now. Whew. Feels better, I'll tell you that. Next up, I will accentuate the positive. For real.

Grow Up and Eat Some Scones

Football season is mercifully upon us - thank goodness for small miracles! It's been a long, hard summer filled with endless replays of the Super Bowl - I just about have the on-field calls and announcers' play-by-play memorized, which means it really and truly is time for some new games to be played. Tomorrow the NFL will kick off at Heinz Field, where the defending world champions will get to business creating new magical memories for another season. Until then, around here it's all Mountaineers all the time...

Over the past weekend, WVU opened their first Pat White-less season in recent memory with a win at home - and, wouldn't you know it, it took me moving from Morgantown all the way to North Carolina to score season tickets to the 'Eers! Now, for every home game, I will watch WVU live and in person at Mountaineer Field and I will treasure every minute of it. I even came home with a new motto: "If you're lucky enough to drink a Heineken in the Blue Lot at 9:00 on a sunny Saturday morning surrounded by thousands of crazed Mountaineer fans, some of whom look as if they haven't yet been to bed, you're lucky enough."

But I digress. As many tailgates as I've attended over the past decade and a half (and I stress the word MANY) this one took the cake. It wasn't that the cast of characters had changed that much - a few additions and several old standbys from the good old days. It wasn't just that I got to park in the Blue Lot and sit in box seats - though that helped. It clearly was that I have changed. Dare I say it out loud lest it be true: I think I may have grown up.

We ate omelets and fruit salad and had a table and a tent and a small stove, set up by people who weren't out boozing until 3:00 in the morning. In fact, our tailgating crew was up bright eyed and ready at 7:00, not hungover at all. We drank cold beer out of actual coolers. I brought scones for crying out loud. Scones. I doubt I even knew such things existed several years ago when tailgating equaled someone stopping off at Sheetz to lug a case of Natural Light to the parking lot.

Yes, we truly were among the adults. And I belonged there. And it felt awesome. It's taken a while for me to make this transition, as I've spent so many years of my life in school or getting back into school, surrounded by students younger and wilder than me. (Okay, maybe not wilder, but certainly younger...)

Everywhere I turned, I saw families with small kids, indoctrinating them as they should into the Mountaineer traditions. Dads threw footballs with their sons, little girls bounced around in their replica WVU cheerleader outfits, moms sipped cocktails and their husbands grilled hot dogs and downed Bud Light. They've been there all along in the Blue Lot, kids growing up this way and fans bleeding gold and blue. Only, this was my first time as a part of it, to really see it through new eyes.

It often feels that things stay stagnant, that there is no meaningful change. But this time, I can say the change in me is remarkable. I'm not a different person entirely, but I do feel I've turned a corner I'm not sure I had foreseen I would.

And it seems right. I can't wait to get back there this weekend, to share another day of comraderie at Milan Puskar Stadium. I haven't decided what I will contribute to the tailgate yet, but the fact I am bringing something of worth is in itself a step forward. And even though I did see a beer bong after the game ended, I am confident I won't be on the receiving end of that. Those days are behind me. I am now (mostly) a grown-up.

At the tailgates, anyway. As for the rest of my life, we'll have to just wait and see...

They Went About As Far As They Can Go

It's no secret I love 90210 - the old, vintage one, not the new, slick one. For Christmas, much to his chagrin, my husband bought me three seasons of good old 90210 on DVD. Lately, I've been pathologically addicted to Season 5, which is (in my expert opinion) the best, juiciest, most delicious season ever.

This should suprprise no one who even remotely knows me since Kelly's cocaine days are the highlight of the entire series! I could go on about this, analyzing my admiration for this season's highlights (Valerie's evil turn sleeping with Ray Pruit, Kelly burning up in that frat house fire and getting mixed up in Professor Findlay's cult of "evolution", Dylan's bad-ass trip to Mexico to rescue Erica, etc.) but I will spare you any more gory details of major plot points.

Last night, I realized there is even another reason to adore Season 5 and that would be the hidden reference to "Oklahoma!" Now, it also should surprise no one how much I adored being a part of the Parkway Playhouse's cast of "Oklahoma!" over the summer. I have only recently ceased my near-daily replay of the soundtrack on my iPod, but still admit to random snippets of the performance in my home - you could find me with a certain Beagle and Chessie singing "Farmer and the Cowman" while enjoying a little jig...

Anyhow, in a conversation between Andrea and Peter - the doc with whom she's having a not-very-secret affair while Jesse is off interviewing for judge clerkships all over the country - she mentioned casually that one potential job might take Jesse to Kansas City. In response, Peter says, "I hear everything's up to date there!"

HAH!! Who knew those 90210 writers were so savvy? Not me, I tell you - not until last night. When I heard that, I swear that I sat straight up on the couch, disturbing two snoring dogs snuggled with me, and my mouth flew wide open. Had I heard that right? Had one of my favorite shows really and truly referenced the single greatest experience of my entire life? Upon rewind, I was pleasantly reassured that, yes, it had. As if Season 5 didn't have enough highpoints, I had found one more.

It only goes to show that just when you think things couldn't get any better...you get an off-hand "Oklahoma!" comment and they do. While this might not work for everyone out there, it sure brightened my evening.

It might not take much to make me happy, but I can't apologize for that - there are 3 more discs of Season 5 to relish! Game on!!

Yes, I Can!!

Below you will find the sure-fire tips to successful home canning, developed by none other than...me. (**Note: These steps will take between 8 and 12 hours to complete, so be prepared.)

Step One: Pick your vegetable of choice. For me, it's tomatoes. Endless piles of smelly tomatoes, lined up as far as the eye can see...

Step Two: Pick out the ripest ones and discard the gross ones. Try not to throw up due to weak stomach and dislike for tomatoes. Wash the vegetables and lay them out to dry on a clean dishtowel.

Step Three: Realize you don't have enough clean dishtowels, so begin a load of laundry to get ready for task at hand. Also realize you have never washed that cute little purple Woodstock tank top and decide you want to take that on the weekend trip to Morgantown and wash that too. Also realize you may need the new jean skirt clean to complete the outfit. Decide to start with the delicates, so you'll be ready for next weekend - since you'll spend most of your waking moments between now and then on the tomatoes.

Step Four: Wait for the laundry to dry. Spend said time reading the third novel in the "Twilight Saga" even though you are just about sick to death of Bella's longing and whining. Nevertheless, decide that "Eclipse" is a way better book than the first two and begin to strategize how to get your hands on that fourth one as soon as possible.

Step Five: Look longingly at tomatoes on counter. Make a pouty face.

Step Six: Find something delightful on television to occupy your mind. Discover an episode of "Law & Order:SVU" and watch the first few minutes. Come to conclusion that the tomatoes can wait until the episode is over.

Step Seven: Who are you kidding? Everyone knows you can't watch just one episode of "Law & Order:SVU." Get comfortable!

Step Eight: Get tired of the couch and meander to the kitchen. Boil water.

Step Nine: Find a good-ass movie (or several) to keep you company for the duration. Try to stick with themes from the DVD collection. One real-life example might be "fun teen flicks" like Cruel Intentions and Mean Girls. Another might be "instant modern classics" like Boogie Nights and Jackie Brown. This step is absolutely, positively the most crucial part of turning canning into a pleasant experience. If this step goes awry, it is literally all down hill from here. Do not ignore my warnings.

Step Ten: Soak tomatoes in boiling water and begin the arduous task of peeling and cutting. Make a huge mess on the counter and watch as tomato juice spills down the cabinets and onto the floor. Marvel at the quickness of a beagle to lick spilled juice from floor and thus become permanent fixture in kitchen as she impatiently awaits more spillage.

Step Eleven: Boil mason jars for 5 minutes to prepare to fill them with boiled tomatoes. Become anal about these steps as one does not wish to cause botulism.

Step Twelve: Decide that time has come to begin drinking due to extreme heat in kitchen. Rummage through all available brands of beer in refrigerator to determine just the right one. Real-life examples might include a nice Blue Moon or Yuengling.

Step Thirteen: Skip this step due to superstition.

Step Fourteen: Watch tomatoes boil. Remove jars from water with special tongs and avoid splashing hot water on self. Fail at the last step and cuss as water burns small patches on skin.

Step Fifteen: Fill jars with tomatoes. Replace in boiling water. Notice water seems less hot. Cuss as you see that burner is not working (again) and try to slide burner back into position without placing bare hand on scorching metal. Cuss profusely as sweat seeps into eyes and makes job much more miserable.

Step Sixteen: Finally get burner to work and start timer for 40 minutes. Begin clean-up process. Continue the drinking for sanity's sake.

Step Seventeen: Throw all tomato residue into bag to be dumped into the "Comp-gross" pile. Stick said bag outside to wait for husband to actually dump it due to aforementioned weak stomach.

Step Eighteen: Sit back and take a load off, admiring all the hard work you were able to accomplish in the past 10 or so hours. Decide as you sit that you are absolutely disgusting and head for the shower.

Step Nineteen: Get ready to do it all again tomorrow, due to the endless piles of tomatoes that await you...

**Adendum: Shortly before this writing, but after the idea for this writing, that sad little broken burner actually burnt itself out for good. Thus, the tomato canning has been put on indefinite hold until a solution can be reached. Updates will be provided as new information is received. Until then, it looks like "Eclipse" and movie classics uninterrupted by stinking tomatoes!! Cheers!