'Cause Oprah Said So!

I don't really consider myself a true Oprah junkie. In fact, I used to be pro-O, until she fatefully had Bill O'Reilly on her show as an ally, at which time I vowed to never, EVER watch her again. But, like Kathy Griffin likes to say, if you are not with her, watch your back because she can have you killed at her whim. So, I guess I'm on board again, if only for the dramatic episodes where she spends less time patting herself on her own back and more time bringing her audience to tears.

And now, since Oprah is hanging it up after 25 years, I think it's only fair to go back and credit her for the things she has taught me over that time.

**Don't text and drive. This might be the worst possible thing you could do, according to that day's show. I believe Oprah might have you spontaneously turned into a pillar of salt if you dare disobey her. You just should not try and tempt her power. Like she said, if you have to text someone that badly, pull over to the side of the road to do it. And she will know if you don't. Because she sees all.

**Tell your husband "I appreciate you" every day when he comes home from work. This goes both ways, of course. Everyone should tell each other how much they are "appreciated." I admit that sometimes (okay, mostly every single day for the past 11 years) I forget to do it. But, I think I had better get on the stick.

**Make sure you remember this mantra for all time: "When you know better, you do better." I don't really have anything snarky to say about this because it's actually a really good life lesson, especially when you realize that most people genuinely don't know better and that's why they never do better. Sad, but true. Those people clearly should be watching more Oprah instead of doing whatever is keeping them in such sorry states.

**Write in a journal as often as possible. I really did start to do this back in law school and kept a pretty consistent journal of my life for years. I guess blogging is kind of the same thing, but far less histrionic. Oprah would probably not approve.

**If you happen to have a toddler in your car's backseat, try not to forget about it and leave it there to swelter in the sun all day. This happened, fatally, to a poor lady in Ohio. And though she did get on the Oprah show, this is hardly worth it. Here's the point: make sure you "slow down" in your life and don't become a slave to routine - or this could happen to you. (I find it fascinating that a tip to avoid this is to leave your purse on the backseat, so that you have to look back there before locking the vehicle. I know my purses mean a lot to me, but I didn't realize that love and care could save a life!) Seriously, though, that story kind of haunted me - even though I had to extrapolate it to dogs, since I am sans children. Powerful nonetheless.

**Don't write a book, claim it's true, and then admit you made it all up - unless you enjoy being destroyed by Oprah in a dramatic smack-down.

Speaking of said smack-downs, James Frey is coming back for more (Please, ma'am, may I have another?!) next week. Stay tuned faithful viewers - I guess I will!!