Spectacular Spectacle

"Some people" might like to say the television set is the source of all evil, with its inherently mind-numbing distraction from human relationships. (This is a coded way of saying Scotty P. likes to tell me I routinely rot my brain with some crap on TV.) I like to say it is the source of all that is good in this world and, as evidence, I point to the following, which would be lost to all humanity were it not for the good old boob tube:

**Little Miss Perfect - showing near-constantly on WEtv. (The second season just began this week.) WEtv is like Lifetime's wanna-be cousin who fancies herself more high-brow because she sends money to Feed the Children infomercials and is, therefore, informed about the plight of the world. Regardless of what you think about these so-called "women's entertainment" channels and their stereotypical portrayals of female wiles, there is no way (NO WAY) you should miss out on this little gem.

Little Miss Perfect is the name of a beauty pageant for children, seemingly always taking place somewhere in the south (often in the Carolinas) in a very ritzy venue. Like the ballroom of a Holiday Inn, with all the conference tables pushed into the corner. All the pageant moms are, um, well-fed. And obviously they have spent most of the family's disposable income on makeup, spray tans, and outlandish drag-queen ballgowns for their young, impressionable daughters who may or may not end up on the top of a stripper pole. (I'm not passing judgment on children in beauty pageants. I mean, teaching a five-year-old her main attributes lie in the quality of her blond hair extensions and fake eyelashes doesn't automatically mean you will saddle the kid with self-esteem issues...and strippers make good money here in the south, so there is that.)

Anyway, these kids and their overbearing moms are old news. We've all seen it before. That's not the reason you should watch. You need to see the pageant coach/coordinator/emcee, Michael Galanes. This guy is seriously underrated and he needs more facetime. He holds this entire debacle together with a wide smile on his unnaturally orange face, and manages to stay upbeat while in a constant search for the most perfect-est little girl ever.

Now, I'm not saying he is gay because he spends his time immersed in the world of beauty pageants. Nor am I saying immersion in beauty pageants will make you gay. I'm just saying. The dude is not a straight man. He's also entirely awesome. He infuses these B-level affairs with some serious enthusiasm. While he might tell a parent that winning is everything, he also reminds these kids to just have fun as they try to achieve that most attainable goal: perfection. He is a friend to each dysfunctional family equally.

He also sings what might be the greatest song ever written in the history of music - I can't explain it to you except to say, one line goes a little like, "there are misty-colored rainbows, on the o-ther...sii-iiii-iiii-de!" (Make sure the vibrato on "siiii-iii-de" goes on a while and shimmy your shoulders while you do it. I happen to serenade Scotty P. with this ditty quite often. He's a pretty big fan, as you can guess.) I love Michael Galanes. He's so cliched, he almost can't be real. Except he is. Glorious madness.

**Teen Mom - showing on (arguably) the most important social achievement of the last hundred years, MTV. Golly, where to begin? The name alone conjures up all sorts of images which can't begin to compare to this show's episodes. An actual train-wreck could sue this show for upstaging it.

Now, these teenagers aren't new characters. They are the protagonists from 16 & Pregnant, which aired over the past summer. Except now, the drama has moved up about a hundred levels as these poor kids try to raise their own actual poor kids. I'm not saying it makes parenting look completely wretched. I'm just saying that, as a thirty-something, it scares the crap out of me and makes me question breeding. Ever. This one experiment in reality television could do more to promote birth control than any number of public service announcements.

Some of these girls are truly sympathetic and do a fairly decent job, given their often lowly support systems and inability to financially prosper. Watching actual pain is not fun, and that's not why you should tune in. You need to see the ones who are selfish brats with families enabling their every bratty move.

That is mostly Farrah, with her mom who is basically ordered to watch the baby because Farrah tells her so. Obviously, Farrah needs to find a man, and being a teenager, she needs a social life. You know, I thought to myself, that makes perfect sense. Having a baby shouldn't preclude dates to the pizza parlor and mini-golf! Farrah's mom agrees. She often tries to talk sense into Farrah, as she holds the baby and yells while Farrah is doing her makeup to go out. Of course, I also thought to myself, I bet Farrah wouldn't go out so much if she had to, you know, work and pay bills and live on her own. But...details. Seriously. This show is fun, if only to remind you of your own sensible view on the world.

There are plenty of other instances I could go on about, but for now, this seems like enough. Although, no one could be complete without logging onto youtube.com to watch possibly the greatest spectacle of all time: General Larry Pratt's original hit, "Pants on the Ground." Even though I gave up on American Idol after the skeptacular Bo/Carrie disaster, this is worth your time.

Don't dare to try and get it out of your head - and why would you want to? It's terrific - in fact, just this past weekend, I wowed an entire crowd at a local Waffle House with my own rendition. (Granted, it was, like, 2:00 in the morning and the crowd was, well, slightly intoxicated and maybe easy to please, but still...Brett Favre reportedly pumped up the Vikings in the locker room before their beatdown of the Cowboys by singing his own version. And seeing how I hate Brett Favre and would never, EVER, compare myself to him in any way, I have to give him props for at least this. And, the world may have officially ended as I wrote that last sentence. I will go throw up now...)

So you see, stay tuned to the television and be amazed by your fellow humans on this planet. Find some time in your busy day for one little bit of spectacle. Or, if you'd rather, just wait for me to watch it and then ask me to recap it for you. Because we all know I will find that time in my day. It's how I roll. And I'm not about to stop now!