Shut the Crap Up!

While I rarely use the blog to rail against any real or perceived enemies, I sometimes feel the need to share the running commentary in my head with all the world...or, put another way, whoever chooses to read my blog posts. I will preface the following by stating that all uber-obvious choices are just that and don't warrant any repeats here - for example, see Sarah Palin, Brett Favre, and Phil Simms for starters.

So, Shut the Crap Up:

**Tim Tebow. If I desired to know your inner-most thoughts, I would read the Bible verse printed on the greasepaint under your eyes. However, I don't care. And I highly doubt too many other die-hard football fans do either. So, on Super Bowl Sunday, when you "star" in your little anti-abortion/Focus on the Family commercial, I will probably be in the bathroom or getting a beer or eating nachos like everybody else.

I will not, however, be listening to you because the last thing I want to interrupt a good-ass game of pigskin is a wanna-be quarterback spouting propoganda. Shame on you, CBS, for infecting Super Bowl Sunday with anything not about football or beer or that talking E*Trade baby or Viagra or anything else considered ultra-American on that day.

And as for Mr. Tebow, I do believe this commercial is as close to the Super Bowl as you will ever get, judging by your less than stellar performance at the Senior Bowl. Maybe you should try putting all that energy into learning to drop back and pass. I might actually care about what you're doing then. Until that imaginary point in time, just shut the crap up. Thank you.

**Jay Leno. Oh goodness, the Brett Favre of NBC television. You decided to retire. You knew Conan would take over The Tonight Show when you did so. Then, I guess you pulled a fast one and didn't want to leave after all. (Hmmm...wherever would you have gotten such a hair-brained idea like that?)

So, NBC puts you on at 10:00, which I don't think went over well, lending credence to why NBC's numbers are in the toilet. Then, I guess you convinced someone to put you back on the show from which you retired, thereby kicking out the successor you were well aware was taking over for you. Geez, the similarities between you and one infamous QB are striking!

I used to be a fan. I really was. However, now, not so much. You, Mr. Leno, now hold the illustrious place of annoyance just one slot below Number Favre. (Who can't really be replaced in my mind by anyone because that would just be...wrong.) So, please, enough.

**Nancy Grace. I'm over all the missing kids already. I'm pretty sure we know Natalee Hollaway is dead and so is Caylee Anthony. There - cases closed. Jon Gosselin doesn't really need your help to look like a douchebag. (He can shut up as well. Any time now. We, collectively, are waiting...) You seriously give lawyers an even worse name than they have now. Do you realize how hard that is? For crying out loud - shut it!

**Heidi Montag. You need to not only shut the crap up, you need to disappear entirely. I'm not sure why you are newsworthy - strike that, you are NOT newsworthy. We just have a poor imitation of journalism in this country and possibly a poorer imitation of humans who actually follow stories like this. (For the record, I don't count myself in that category because I get my information from printed materials, like Entertainment Weekly, and not Good Morning America. I'm just pointing that out.)

Heidi, Speidi, whatever. Your cries for attention are pitiful. Your plastic surgery is ridiculous. Your "husband" is kind of a waste of space. You are pretty much an idiot. You can't sing - and I'm not the only one who thinks this, as your new CD sold less than 1,000 copies its first week. The only redeeming factor to your existence is that Joel McHale has a field day with you on The Soup and I look forward to a good belly laugh weekly because of it. (So, maybe, don't shut up? Hmmm...that's a tough one. No, do shut up. Joel will find another target.)

And, that's all I have for one day. I'm sure that, in time, I can come up with a brand new list! Until then, I myself will just...shut up.