Yes, I Can!!

Below you will find the sure-fire tips to successful home canning, developed by none other than...me. (**Note: These steps will take between 8 and 12 hours to complete, so be prepared.)

Step One: Pick your vegetable of choice. For me, it's tomatoes. Endless piles of smelly tomatoes, lined up as far as the eye can see...

Step Two: Pick out the ripest ones and discard the gross ones. Try not to throw up due to weak stomach and dislike for tomatoes. Wash the vegetables and lay them out to dry on a clean dishtowel.

Step Three: Realize you don't have enough clean dishtowels, so begin a load of laundry to get ready for task at hand. Also realize you have never washed that cute little purple Woodstock tank top and decide you want to take that on the weekend trip to Morgantown and wash that too. Also realize you may need the new jean skirt clean to complete the outfit. Decide to start with the delicates, so you'll be ready for next weekend - since you'll spend most of your waking moments between now and then on the tomatoes.

Step Four: Wait for the laundry to dry. Spend said time reading the third novel in the "Twilight Saga" even though you are just about sick to death of Bella's longing and whining. Nevertheless, decide that "Eclipse" is a way better book than the first two and begin to strategize how to get your hands on that fourth one as soon as possible.

Step Five: Look longingly at tomatoes on counter. Make a pouty face.

Step Six: Find something delightful on television to occupy your mind. Discover an episode of "Law & Order:SVU" and watch the first few minutes. Come to conclusion that the tomatoes can wait until the episode is over.

Step Seven: Who are you kidding? Everyone knows you can't watch just one episode of "Law & Order:SVU." Get comfortable!

Step Eight: Get tired of the couch and meander to the kitchen. Boil water.

Step Nine: Find a good-ass movie (or several) to keep you company for the duration. Try to stick with themes from the DVD collection. One real-life example might be "fun teen flicks" like Cruel Intentions and Mean Girls. Another might be "instant modern classics" like Boogie Nights and Jackie Brown. This step is absolutely, positively the most crucial part of turning canning into a pleasant experience. If this step goes awry, it is literally all down hill from here. Do not ignore my warnings.

Step Ten: Soak tomatoes in boiling water and begin the arduous task of peeling and cutting. Make a huge mess on the counter and watch as tomato juice spills down the cabinets and onto the floor. Marvel at the quickness of a beagle to lick spilled juice from floor and thus become permanent fixture in kitchen as she impatiently awaits more spillage.

Step Eleven: Boil mason jars for 5 minutes to prepare to fill them with boiled tomatoes. Become anal about these steps as one does not wish to cause botulism.

Step Twelve: Decide that time has come to begin drinking due to extreme heat in kitchen. Rummage through all available brands of beer in refrigerator to determine just the right one. Real-life examples might include a nice Blue Moon or Yuengling.

Step Thirteen: Skip this step due to superstition.

Step Fourteen: Watch tomatoes boil. Remove jars from water with special tongs and avoid splashing hot water on self. Fail at the last step and cuss as water burns small patches on skin.

Step Fifteen: Fill jars with tomatoes. Replace in boiling water. Notice water seems less hot. Cuss as you see that burner is not working (again) and try to slide burner back into position without placing bare hand on scorching metal. Cuss profusely as sweat seeps into eyes and makes job much more miserable.

Step Sixteen: Finally get burner to work and start timer for 40 minutes. Begin clean-up process. Continue the drinking for sanity's sake.

Step Seventeen: Throw all tomato residue into bag to be dumped into the "Comp-gross" pile. Stick said bag outside to wait for husband to actually dump it due to aforementioned weak stomach.

Step Eighteen: Sit back and take a load off, admiring all the hard work you were able to accomplish in the past 10 or so hours. Decide as you sit that you are absolutely disgusting and head for the shower.

Step Nineteen: Get ready to do it all again tomorrow, due to the endless piles of tomatoes that await you...

**Adendum: Shortly before this writing, but after the idea for this writing, that sad little broken burner actually burnt itself out for good. Thus, the tomato canning has been put on indefinite hold until a solution can be reached. Updates will be provided as new information is received. Until then, it looks like "Eclipse" and movie classics uninterrupted by stinking tomatoes!! Cheers!