Stuff I Learned From the Boob Tube

And "they" say TV will rot your brain...whoever "they" are anyway:

**If you are married to a man who never lets you see him naked and has a strange past history, you very well could be married to a woman pretending to be a man. This seems quite preposterous, but I've heard it time and time again and it's even been on Oprah - not just once, but several times. And for crying out loud, everyone knows Oprah only deals in hard cold facts. So, do whatever you need to do out there to protect yourself from these types of con artists. Because this would be a hard thing to explain to the friends and family, you know?

**If you happen to be in front of Judge Judy for any reason, don't put your hands in your pockets. This ticks her off. As do a slew of other inexplicable behaviors, like trying to explain your side in a case. But, really, if you've decided that Judge Judy is the proper arbitor of any contested matter, then that's on you.

**If, by chance, you have killed a spouse in a certain way (i.e. drowning them in a hot tub/bathtub or pushing them from a mountain) and seemingly gotten away with said crime (i.e. you are free to marry again) don't decide to kill the new spouse in the same manner in which you offed the first one. It's suspicious. You tend to raise a few eyebrows. Then, they just tack on the first murder to the second, and that doesn't do your chances at acquittal any justice.

**In keeping with the above example, there are numerous creative ways to murder someone. Most are extremely effective, especially the slow poisoning. Or the fake robbery set-up with a dead witness. Or an axe to the head. Unfortunately, most killers get caught. But, at least give yourself a fighting chance by not using too much repetition.

**People don't understand that when you have a child, you are responsible for teaching them right from wrong. Small humans aren't necessarily programmed to just do what you tell them to do. You actually have to instruct them using this method called reinforcement and punishment. In this case, repetition is not only recommended, it is crucial. If you don't do this properly, there are several options available to you: Supernanny, Nanny 911, or learning the proper etiquette for jailhouse visits. I guess it's up to you, but I'd just go with common sense and realize that a kid is not the boss of me.

**Attorneys are not, as a general rule, attractive people who should be allowed before the camera, even if it's only for a lame bit about "getting money for you." Seriously, it's just one more example of my belief that we ought to go back to our roots and bring back the powdered wigs and costumes to the courthouses. Because some of these jokers who want to represent you need a serious makeover. And a good diet plan.

**Late at night, people will plunk down their had-earned cash for just about any piece of crap you want to sell them. Witness the popularity of the "Snuggie." And the "Snuggie for Dogs." I really think these people are just up late buying trinkets from infomercials because they are drunk off their asses. And speaking from experience, you've got to be pretty loaded before this stuff looks so appealing that you just can't wait 'til morning to call in that order.

So, stay tuned folks - because the life lessons just keep on coming! And they can't, they won't, and they don't stop!!