Memory Lane

It is no big secret that I absolutely, positively can not bear silence. Especially when I am working on something. So, being my own boss, I get to pick whatever I want to watch and listen to while lawyering away in my little office - sometimes a documentary from topdocumentaryfilms.com, sometimes a good old gem from Netflix streaming online, and, more often than not, a favorite from my massive library of DVD's.

The past few weeks, I have become addicted to Party of Five, Season One. (And, because I am uber-dork extraordinare, Seasons Two and Three will follow suit!) I watched this first season last summer, but it only seemed appropriate to break it out again - since it's so incredibly awesome and puts me into a fabulous, reminiscent state of mind.

Every time I see and hear it, it reminds me of where I was and what I was doing when I watched its first-run, in 1994 and 1995. Back when I was in college, living in a particularly crappy apartment and partying with my friends and studying just enough and acting awfully knowledgeable and finding my way.

I had no idea of what my life would turn out to be. I had no goals beyond successfully graduating with my bachelor's degree. I had no job and no money and no need for any, since my wonderful parents paid all my living expenses and tuition and provided me enough spare change to chip in my share for cases of Bud Dry bottles from the Dairy Mart and pizza from Papa John's - something for which I was always grateful, but did not appreciate to its fullest extent until later.

I knew it was a transient time, that I would graduate and move forward and probably go on to school and have a career and all that comes with it. As much as I loved that time, I realized its fleeting nature and the harsh fact that once those years are behind you, you can never get them back. So, I enjoyed the bejeezus out of that time.

And, every week, Beverly Hills 90210 and Party of Five were a part of my routine. The moving storylines, the enotional music, the drama - it propelled me along during those years, through my own post-adolescent storylines and drama. And in 1996, when I did graduate (quite successfully, I might add) those shows continued to be big parts of my ever-changing life - during my moves to other crappy apartments, and onto crappy jobs, and then less crappy jobs, and so on and so forth.

When Party of Five finally wrapped up in 2000, I was engaged to be married and getting ready to start law school. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and really I still don't. And that ironic fact is not lost on me as I sit here, listening to those comfortable episodes all over again and practicing law for real in a state hundreds of miles from where this storyline originally took place.

But strolling down that memory lane makes me really happy - and I know that, although I still have few goals and still feel like that twenty-year-old girl deep down inside, I am still really happy. In a more grown-up way. I have a way better place to live and enough money to afford the more high-brow beer now, so there is all the proof you will ever need.

It is good to sometimes remind yourself of good times that are gone forever - not to torture yourself or allow yourself to wallow in some fuzzy, idealized past, but to just remember. Remember what it was like, what you were like, how things have changed. Like the Joni Mitchell song featured in this first season (which, incidentally, is only one of many brilliant musical choices which kind of made me fall in love with this show to begin with) so wisely tell us, "You can't return, you can only look behind from where you came..."

And that is okay, too.