Life Lessons: The Academy Awards Edition 2014

It's Oscar Sunday, bitches! That means it is a holiday for us. I will begin said celebration with self-congratulations to all adults of this household for seeing the nine Best Picture nominees.

And now, a primer of what I learned from this year's crop of contenders:

1. American Hustle: I really need to get as skinny as Amy Adams so I, too, can wear those plunging necklines with super long necklaces. I should also consider a perm. This movie is just plain fun. (Also, Christian Bale = a good motivation for the aforementioned diet.)

2. Captain Phillips: Don't go boating in Somalia. Also, Tom Hanks is awesome, all the time, in every way.

3. Dallas Buyers Club: I like serious McConaughey as much as I like hunky, stoner McConaughey. (And, no matter what fashion choices appeal to me -- and not like I could -- don't try to get that skinny.) Jared Leto is an interesting fellow in so much of his work, and his presence continues to impress. He got to keep both arms in this one, unlike my previous favorite (Requiem For a Dream) so good for him.

4. Gravity: Despite my prediction of a ninety minute panic attack, I quite enjoyed myself. Still, George Clooney or no George Clooney, I can't go to space. Or even Space Camp. It would not turn out.

5. Her: Spike Jonze has an interesting idea of mens' pants in the not-too-distant future. I already hate technology, so his cautionary tale is not lost on me. Plus, Joaquin might be crazy, but so what? He makes everything better.

6. Nebraska: "Beer ain't drinkin'." Words to live by right there. Bruce Dern and June Squibb might be the couple of the year.

7. Philomena: It is indeed "a gold star day" if you can watch Judi Dench onscreen. This one sneaked up on me in a good way. And that ending? With the nuns? Geez Louise, in comparison, my self-restraint needs some work.

8. 12 Years a Slave: White people suck.

9. The Wolf of Wall Street: I love Leo more and more all the time. Especially now that we are all "more mature." I particularly love Leo and Marty together.  Also, it's probably good for us collectively that Quaaludes are extinct.

I don't have predictions because everything and everyone is so good. I will lose my mind if Leo wins -- just because. I like Cate Blanchett, but love Amy Adams -- and I'm still bitter about Junebug. Ol' Fassbender should at least get a hug for his realistic portrayal of douchebaggery. Now, I can't think of his hotness the same way again. I don't even know how they made Gravity without actually going to outer space for real. That much genius makes my head hurt.

I am sincerely excited to see how it all turns out. I will miss Seth McFarlane's biting wit and boobs song, though Franco still plays that one semi-regularly, so we are covered. Good luck to all the fine, deserving contenders! I am sure, even having said that, the Academy will screw something up. But that's tradition, right?

Bring it on! And enjoy the show!