Life Lessons: Teen Mom 2 Edition

Now, I know what you are thinking about this post: What took you so long?

No, really, I know. I do not need any virtual sideway stares at my choice of crap programs. In fact, I quit the whole Teen Mom franchise (mostly) about a year ago. I mean, I still kept up with the antics by way of snarky websites and watched the various interviews when I needed a fix. I just did not watch the show. It became too much, even for me.

So why in the world did I fall off the wagon? I will give it to you in two words: Robin Thicke.

In addition to whatever other social ills for which he is blamed, he is also behind my renewed DVR-ing of Teen Mom 2. Let me explain…no, there is too much. Let me sum up. (That never gets old.)

My friend Megan and I had tickets all lined up for Mr. Thicke's show at Harrah's in Cherokee. She drove here from the North Carolina coast so we could swoon like regular old fangirls at his extreme good looks. (And talent. Obviously.) And then, without even so much as a consult with us, he cancelled. To try and win back his lovely wife, Paula, with whom he fell out after some alleged questionable hand placement, possible strip club misdeeds, and Miley.

To cope, we did what any 30-something-year-old ladies would do. We drank wine, checked websites for marital updates, and watched YouTube videos of Janelle from Teen Mom 2 explaining how it's not just some random concert, it's Ke$ha (now Kesha, after the dollar sign got left behind in rehab…true story) and that's why she had to get those feathers in her hair and could not turn herself into jail that one time, like 100 arrests ago.

And then, after that fateful night, we had to watch the new episode of Teen Mom 2 and now, I am once again hooked. So, damn you Robin Thicke --  but not too much because he did reschedule the show and we eventually got to swoon appropriately. He even wore his wedding band to go along with the hotness, so I really hope those crazy kids make it work.

And now, after so much pomp and circumstance, here are the lessons learned from (as ol' Scotty P. so lovingly puts it) those little sluts:

**If you are a teenage girl about to have sex, just do not do it. Otherwise, there is that off chance you might get pregnant and be forced into the apparent obligatory dress code: ridiculous multi-colored dyed hair, full-body tattoos (which may or may not contain an homage to the kid), ugly face/ear/who-knows-where piercings, cartoonishly awful eye makeup, plastic surgery, and a lawyer on retainer. Not only is the actual kid a bit of an inconvenience at that age, but all that extra garb must be quite cumbersome to boot.

**With all the cursing, fighting, and general lunacy that goes on around their own toddlers, these girls must presume the kids deaf. Why else would anyone act like that? Unless they have the mentality of a child -- oh, yeah. Right.

**One baby is hardly enough. Neither is one Baby Daddy.

**If you happen to watch with your own 2-year-old (likely not recommended but darn good fun) be prepared for commentary such as, "Why is that baby crying?" and "That kid needs a new house" and "Where'd that baby go? and, finally, "Hush!" (It is similar to my own commentary, actually. Very astute that one.)

**My faith in humanity already hangs by a frail string. This show does not help one little bit.

Does that mean I am once again finished? Nope. I will continue on with this train wreck. (But I draw the line at Teen Mom 3. That is just insanity and I do have standards.)

However illogical it might seem, if the Powers That Be happen to bring back unnaturally red-headed Maci, porn star Farrah, crazy CatelynnAndTyler, and free-jailbird Amber -- well, I might have a party! I would have few friends to invite, since most of those who live within driving distance of me are smarter/more mature/actual adults than I am…

But -- I could always count on my sister and Megan to join! What do you say girls? I don't need an answer -- I know you are both in for the win!

Come on MTV. Help some addicts out!

Life Lessons: The Academy Awards Edition 2014

It's Oscar Sunday, bitches! That means it is a holiday for us. I will begin said celebration with self-congratulations to all adults of this household for seeing the nine Best Picture nominees.

And now, a primer of what I learned from this year's crop of contenders:

1. American Hustle: I really need to get as skinny as Amy Adams so I, too, can wear those plunging necklines with super long necklaces. I should also consider a perm. This movie is just plain fun. (Also, Christian Bale = a good motivation for the aforementioned diet.)

2. Captain Phillips: Don't go boating in Somalia. Also, Tom Hanks is awesome, all the time, in every way.

3. Dallas Buyers Club: I like serious McConaughey as much as I like hunky, stoner McConaughey. (And, no matter what fashion choices appeal to me -- and not like I could -- don't try to get that skinny.) Jared Leto is an interesting fellow in so much of his work, and his presence continues to impress. He got to keep both arms in this one, unlike my previous favorite (Requiem For a Dream) so good for him.

4. Gravity: Despite my prediction of a ninety minute panic attack, I quite enjoyed myself. Still, George Clooney or no George Clooney, I can't go to space. Or even Space Camp. It would not turn out.

5. Her: Spike Jonze has an interesting idea of mens' pants in the not-too-distant future. I already hate technology, so his cautionary tale is not lost on me. Plus, Joaquin might be crazy, but so what? He makes everything better.

6. Nebraska: "Beer ain't drinkin'." Words to live by right there. Bruce Dern and June Squibb might be the couple of the year.

7. Philomena: It is indeed "a gold star day" if you can watch Judi Dench onscreen. This one sneaked up on me in a good way. And that ending? With the nuns? Geez Louise, in comparison, my self-restraint needs some work.

8. 12 Years a Slave: White people suck.

9. The Wolf of Wall Street: I love Leo more and more all the time. Especially now that we are all "more mature." I particularly love Leo and Marty together.  Also, it's probably good for us collectively that Quaaludes are extinct.

I don't have predictions because everything and everyone is so good. I will lose my mind if Leo wins -- just because. I like Cate Blanchett, but love Amy Adams -- and I'm still bitter about Junebug. Ol' Fassbender should at least get a hug for his realistic portrayal of douchebaggery. Now, I can't think of his hotness the same way again. I don't even know how they made Gravity without actually going to outer space for real. That much genius makes my head hurt.

I am sincerely excited to see how it all turns out. I will miss Seth McFarlane's biting wit and boobs song, though Franco still plays that one semi-regularly, so we are covered. Good luck to all the fine, deserving contenders! I am sure, even having said that, the Academy will screw something up. But that's tradition, right?

Bring it on! And enjoy the show!