Mortal Words

Every day you live, you are technically closer to death. Sobering thought. It reminds me of when I worked in the psychiatric hospital with the inpatient adolescents. We had one particularly inquisitive young lady who would walk around the unit and ask, "Am I going to die?" over and over and...over. Again. All day long.

One day, a clever medical resident answered her with, "Why, yes, you are. Someday. We all are going to die." Though it startled (and amused) me at the time, it also seemed to calm the poor kid down. And it's often replayed in my head over the years because it's simple and true: yes, we are all going to die.

You just hope you can go out with dignity and at an appropriate age. That last part is always funny to me because, the older you get, the younger that age seems to feel once you reach it. Doubtful you'll ever turn over a birthday and think, "Well, this is an appropriate age to die! See ya later then!"

Today, I discovered that despite my youthful appearance, mental age of twelve years, and tendency to wear my hair in a ponytail, I am getting older. I've begun to face up to the fact: as much as I'd hoped never to grow up and mature, I can't help but age.

Cooincidently, HBO Documentary Films is debuting their series on Alzheimer's disease. I've TiVo'd all the episodes, but I haven't brought myself to watch them yet. Tonight, I"ve started down that road and discovered how depressing and fascinating it all is. The idea of growing old is not scary in and of itself - but the thought of losing your sense of spirit is terrifying.

It's that last part which causes the fear. What happens when you no longer remember those tidbits of memories which make you who you are? What do you really become then?I hope desperately that I won't ever find out - not that I"d really know in that state whether or not I knew. But...still. It's all just another good reason to write my thoughts down, to keep faith in words. Later on down the road, I might appreciate it more that I could ever imagine.

And if not, I'm certain it will provide a chuckle here or there - whether from me, or those closest to my heart.