Streaming Through Life

You know, I always wanted to be one of those writers who could string along my stream of consciousness into thoughtful and coherent renderings of reality, ala Virginia Woolf. Alas, my stream of consciousness is so quirky and odd, I can barely keep up with it myself, never mind any further attempts at written eloquence. (Doesn't mean I won't try, though - one blog post today, a world of literary opportunity tomorrow...or some such nonsense!)

So, this morning I habitually turned on the tv first thing and flipped around to find something worthy of my coffee-drinking hour. The news won't do (too depressing - severe weather and soaring gas prices), Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN won't do (too depressing - all my passionate sports are mid-season), and there wasn't one episode of Law & Order on any channel (just plain depressing.) I settled on Logo, the homosexual-friendly channel, and watched "And the Band Played On," the 80's docudrama about AIDS and its entrance into our society. It then occurred to me nothing could possibly be more depressing than this - why was I putting myself through it?

I think because I knew how it turned out - not well, by any means, but it is somewhat better today than it was in the early 80's, so I think it restored a bit of faith in my askew view of our world. And faith is not something I have in bounds, believe me.

Faith got me thinking about George Michael, and since I was watching the gay channel, I started to remember a piece of paper I discovered deep in a box of late adolescent mementos. While re-organizing my downstairs office, I stumbled upon old writings - one in particular written between my freshman and sophomore years at WVU. I had just discovered a good friend was gay, and I lamented the bigotry and closed-mindedness he faced - and explored my own opposition to such hatred and my vow to love him and support him and fight intolerance at every turn. I wonder whatever happened to him. I hope he's still okay.

George Michael also reminded me of how much I miss "Eli Stone" on Thursday nights. I do love that Johnny Lee Miller. Hard to believe he was once married to Angelina Jolie. I love her too. And I love Brad tagging along with all those kids. I think if she wants to have a whole gaggle of kids, she should. She's rich and seems to truly love them. I wonder if Johnny Lee ever regrets letting her go - I saw in a tabloid that he still spent a lot of time with her pre-Pitt, so I bet he's kicking himself right about now.

I hope someday I can have a better grasp on my faith in myself, and those around me, and my life as a whole. I bet everyone has times when they have to simply "let it go" and see what happens. It's challenging, but I will hold onto that faith.

I hope George Michael guests on "Eli Stone" in the fall, too. It wouldn't be the same without him.

Mad Skills

I had a job interview this week, for another type of work-from-home position. During the discussion, one of the two interviewers asked me why I had applied, with all my education and experience and "skill." He actually used that word. I hope the shock did not show blatantly on my face, as I rarely associate myself with one who is "skilled."

I thought a minute and replied, honestly, that it was because the job had absolutely nothing to do with the court system or the law. I am pretty sure that is not what employers want to hear - that they are the default backup choice. But it is true, so I put it out there. I haven't heard yet if I've been hired. Shocking, huh?

Seriously, I spend hours of time doing internet searches for employment as far from the legal field as possible. Fear sets in randomly when I think of a legal career as my destiny. My husband thinks I am a flat-out kook - and he is likely onto something. While on sites to post resumes, pop-ups abound proclaiming "Go Back to School and Get Your Paralegal Degree!" and "Continue Your Education Online!"

It is a sign. And I do believe in signs, as we all know by now. When I think logically, it is insane - armed with law degree, girl attempts to break into bottom-level position as most-educated person in room. It does not even make sense to me!

But it also does not make sense to be miserable and feel disgusted with your life because you chose a degree program which turned out not to be the dreamy, respected profession you had hoped. The world is to the brim with miserable people, for whatever reason. Everyone has their burdens to bear and problems with which to deal. I realize I am fortunate at this moment to take the step back and ponder my future - most don't even get that small luxury.

So, I embrace it and refuse to be one more unhappy person in an increasingly unhappy world. I feel guilty sometimes that I am in this position - the money and time I spent to reach a goal I now disdain. But, no regrets. That is more in line with the misery of this world and I will not have it! Sooner or later, I'll figure it out. (Let's hope sooner, rather than later.)

And if not, it's not the worst thing either. I can always make my way somehow. I've got "skills" remember?