The Greatest (Oz) Story Ever Told

As my annual movie-centric time of the year beckons, I realize I need to get busy on prospective Oscar nominees and am grateful that I have a bit more time this year - the ceremony occurs in early March. However, the decision to nominate ten films for Best Picture will no doubt make my quest that much harder - a fact about which I am still confused and somewhat bitter.

Nevertheless, I can't help but pay homage to those classic films which have shaped my love of film. This need for tribute definitely came about because of the 70th anniversary DVD editions of two such cinematic marvels: Gone With the Wind and the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Most people of pretty much any age can relate to some memory of the mesmerizing Wizard of Oz from childhood. I can't actually recall the first time I saw the film. It's just always been a part of my soul. My mom, being a serious film enthusiast herself, never held the fondness for Oz that I did, since Ms. Garland's voice "bugged" her. I, however, like millions of gay men before me, was fascinated by her and the entire production. Though it never became one of my "classic" obsessions, I am quite fond of all things to do with Oz. Re-living it through this new, restored edition, I am reminded of many afternoons in my living room as a kid, crouched down watching an old VHS copy of the film and singing along.

I also did the same thing with Gone With the Wind, though I don't know if all kids felt the same way. When I was in my Civil War phase (see: North and South scrapbook in my basement, created circa 1986) this was certainly a staple of mine when parked in front of the television building Lego houses or playing paper dolls with my little sister. I really believe that these viewings let me in on what was truly a cinematic masterpiece - somehow I understood the magnitude of it. Now that I am an adult and again watching this tremendous epic, I realize I genuinely, innocently missed some of the sexual nuance and feminist underpinnings of Scarlet.

But that's okay. In my heart, when I see both these films, I am a kid again in the living room, flabbergasted by what I see. When I watch the Oscar nominees for this year, I won't be cognizant of the influence on the way I view films.

But it's always with me, just like the joy of those early memories of these masterpieces.

Spectacular Spectacle

"Some people" might like to say the television set is the source of all evil, with its inherently mind-numbing distraction from human relationships. (This is a coded way of saying Scotty P. likes to tell me I routinely rot my brain with some crap on TV.) I like to say it is the source of all that is good in this world and, as evidence, I point to the following, which would be lost to all humanity were it not for the good old boob tube:

**Little Miss Perfect - showing near-constantly on WEtv. (The second season just began this week.) WEtv is like Lifetime's wanna-be cousin who fancies herself more high-brow because she sends money to Feed the Children infomercials and is, therefore, informed about the plight of the world. Regardless of what you think about these so-called "women's entertainment" channels and their stereotypical portrayals of female wiles, there is no way (NO WAY) you should miss out on this little gem.

Little Miss Perfect is the name of a beauty pageant for children, seemingly always taking place somewhere in the south (often in the Carolinas) in a very ritzy venue. Like the ballroom of a Holiday Inn, with all the conference tables pushed into the corner. All the pageant moms are, um, well-fed. And obviously they have spent most of the family's disposable income on makeup, spray tans, and outlandish drag-queen ballgowns for their young, impressionable daughters who may or may not end up on the top of a stripper pole. (I'm not passing judgment on children in beauty pageants. I mean, teaching a five-year-old her main attributes lie in the quality of her blond hair extensions and fake eyelashes doesn't automatically mean you will saddle the kid with self-esteem issues...and strippers make good money here in the south, so there is that.)

Anyway, these kids and their overbearing moms are old news. We've all seen it before. That's not the reason you should watch. You need to see the pageant coach/coordinator/emcee, Michael Galanes. This guy is seriously underrated and he needs more facetime. He holds this entire debacle together with a wide smile on his unnaturally orange face, and manages to stay upbeat while in a constant search for the most perfect-est little girl ever.

Now, I'm not saying he is gay because he spends his time immersed in the world of beauty pageants. Nor am I saying immersion in beauty pageants will make you gay. I'm just saying. The dude is not a straight man. He's also entirely awesome. He infuses these B-level affairs with some serious enthusiasm. While he might tell a parent that winning is everything, he also reminds these kids to just have fun as they try to achieve that most attainable goal: perfection. He is a friend to each dysfunctional family equally.

He also sings what might be the greatest song ever written in the history of music - I can't explain it to you except to say, one line goes a little like, "there are misty-colored rainbows, on the o-ther...sii-iiii-iiii-de!" (Make sure the vibrato on "siiii-iii-de" goes on a while and shimmy your shoulders while you do it. I happen to serenade Scotty P. with this ditty quite often. He's a pretty big fan, as you can guess.) I love Michael Galanes. He's so cliched, he almost can't be real. Except he is. Glorious madness.

**Teen Mom - showing on (arguably) the most important social achievement of the last hundred years, MTV. Golly, where to begin? The name alone conjures up all sorts of images which can't begin to compare to this show's episodes. An actual train-wreck could sue this show for upstaging it.

Now, these teenagers aren't new characters. They are the protagonists from 16 & Pregnant, which aired over the past summer. Except now, the drama has moved up about a hundred levels as these poor kids try to raise their own actual poor kids. I'm not saying it makes parenting look completely wretched. I'm just saying that, as a thirty-something, it scares the crap out of me and makes me question breeding. Ever. This one experiment in reality television could do more to promote birth control than any number of public service announcements.

Some of these girls are truly sympathetic and do a fairly decent job, given their often lowly support systems and inability to financially prosper. Watching actual pain is not fun, and that's not why you should tune in. You need to see the ones who are selfish brats with families enabling their every bratty move.

That is mostly Farrah, with her mom who is basically ordered to watch the baby because Farrah tells her so. Obviously, Farrah needs to find a man, and being a teenager, she needs a social life. You know, I thought to myself, that makes perfect sense. Having a baby shouldn't preclude dates to the pizza parlor and mini-golf! Farrah's mom agrees. She often tries to talk sense into Farrah, as she holds the baby and yells while Farrah is doing her makeup to go out. Of course, I also thought to myself, I bet Farrah wouldn't go out so much if she had to, you know, work and pay bills and live on her own. But...details. Seriously. This show is fun, if only to remind you of your own sensible view on the world.

There are plenty of other instances I could go on about, but for now, this seems like enough. Although, no one could be complete without logging onto youtube.com to watch possibly the greatest spectacle of all time: General Larry Pratt's original hit, "Pants on the Ground." Even though I gave up on American Idol after the skeptacular Bo/Carrie disaster, this is worth your time.

Don't dare to try and get it out of your head - and why would you want to? It's terrific - in fact, just this past weekend, I wowed an entire crowd at a local Waffle House with my own rendition. (Granted, it was, like, 2:00 in the morning and the crowd was, well, slightly intoxicated and maybe easy to please, but still...Brett Favre reportedly pumped up the Vikings in the locker room before their beatdown of the Cowboys by singing his own version. And seeing how I hate Brett Favre and would never, EVER, compare myself to him in any way, I have to give him props for at least this. And, the world may have officially ended as I wrote that last sentence. I will go throw up now...)

So you see, stay tuned to the television and be amazed by your fellow humans on this planet. Find some time in your busy day for one little bit of spectacle. Or, if you'd rather, just wait for me to watch it and then ask me to recap it for you. Because we all know I will find that time in my day. It's how I roll. And I'm not about to stop now!

Looks Back, Wishes Ahead

Last week, Dick Clark and I rang in not just another year, but another decade. There are many things to think about over the past year and last ten years. It's usually better to look ahead, however, and not back - even though this year will be the decade mark for my marriage to Scotty P. and the sad one-year anniversary since Pittsburgh's "City of Champions" title. But enough about all those nostalgic memories - here are a few things I personally can't wait for in 2010:

**Jersey Shore. Okay, I cheat a little because my addiction to this blessed bit of MTV goodness began last year. But, to be fair, it was pretty darn close to year's end and I can tell the madness is going to really heat up in the coming episodes. Why am I completely bonkers over some twenty-something Italian kids with dark tans and big hair? I can't really say. My sister and I have already spent hours analyzing our delicious attraction and haven't truly pinned it down. Does it matter? This is one mindless, fun distraction about which I won't apologize or feel embarrassment. Instead, run with it! (Fist pumping all night long!)

**LOST. It is bittersweet, knowing that the whole thing will wrap up and we'll know (hopefully) the answers to every burning question. And that is also the greatest thing ever. I can't wait for it to begin, and I will be sad upon sadness when it ends. It isn't often the writing and intrigue in a show can not only sustain, but get better each season. This one is primed to be a doozy. Maybe when it's all said and done and I have tons of free time on my hands - which Scotty P. would argue is, um, right now - I'll enroll in that "LOST University" through the BluRay disc and totally immerse myself in Dharma and Oceanic Flight 815 for good. Oh, won't that be the day? (I hope I can finally figure out that giant wheel and Faraday's mom and...oh, forget it. I'll just wait for J.J. Abrams to help me here in a couple of months...)

**The Twin Peaks Festival in North Bend, Washington. (Dates are not yet announced. I've checked.) I have no idea whether I will make all my dreams come true by actually attending this yearly event, but hope springs eternal. I would fit right in with all those oddballs still obessed over a show which ended in the early 1990's. ("Fit in" would be an understatment...) I have several ideas in mind for the costume contest. I would give a limb to see the recreation of the Black Lodge and those creepy red curtains. If I bone up on the DVD Gold Set, I might have a prayer in the trivia rounds. Cherry pie and damn fine coffee is starting to sound like a slice of heaven right now! I have big dreams to make it out to the west coast for the first time this year, and I can't think of a better catalyst than this! Wish me luck!

**Career guidance. I hate to get all serious here, but I am really anxious to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I have several plans in mind to get me on the right track to making that choice. It's not meant to be cryptic - I just need to ponder a few things and then will get back to you on this one. I do know that, one way or the other, I am headed to at least a toe or two on the right path.

**Jeff Probst and Ryan Seacrest coming out of their respective (gay) closets. Enough already, fellas. It's painfully obvious to me that you guys sincerely need to come clean and live your lives. I've recently re-watched a few episodes of Survivor and, honestly, Probst's shirts say it all. Seriously - this could be the year of truth.

Maybe there are more - I would certainly hope so! Right now, this is a good list to get me through these bitter cold days and dreary gray skies and, along with some beer, I should be good to go by springtime! Until the next time, Merry New Year and all that jazz!

Things the Steelers Ruined for Me, 2009 Edition

So, the Steelers' record rests at six-and-six, and the playoffs loom ahead as opportunity for teams who haven't blown their fair share of fourth quarter leads over the past three months. We in Steeler Nation collectively weep into our beer-stained Terrible Towels and cry out in despair, "Why? Oh, the talent wasted! Oh, Troy, please come back and save us with your superhuman-ness! What the heck kind of defense is that? Are you seriously telling me we can't score a touchdown in the red zone against the Oakland Raiders? Oh, spare us from this never-ending nightmare!" (If you think this is exaggeration, you clearly have never done busniess with a die-hard Steeler fan...)

While some might wonder where to put that frustration, I will place mine squarely into this blog post, so appropriately titled. Here, dear friends, are the things now ruined for me - at least for the time being:

**My morning routine. I can no longer watch "Mike and Mike" on ESPN or, conversely, listen to them in my car on my way to court. No, they might inadvertently mention the NFL season and that could send me straight into apoplexy. Now, I have no direction while drinking my coffee and flip mindlessly through the channels trying desperately to avoid all sports information like the plague. When I come out of bed in the morning, Greenie and Golic don't greet me anymore like they have in the recent past. Ol' Scotty P. has that ridiculous Robin Meade from HLN blaring her cheesy pageant smile and I just can't take it for a minute. My whole start to the day wrecked. Thanks a bunch, black and gold.

**Christmas. You just know there will be packages under the tree filled with Steelers' trinkets and wares. And while I still love 'em with a white hot passion, every sight of black and gold memorabalia is currently like a kinfe in the gut, a reminder of what could have been. I'm sure this feeling may diminish in the next few weeks - especially if there happen to be at least a couple of wins mixed in there - but right now, this is where I am and I can't help it. (And I know I'm not alone, either.)

**Weekends in January. As if the post-holiday depression and weight gain isn't bad enough, I am slowy coming to the sad realization that my weekends will be devoid of football games about which I actually care. Nothing to look forward to when the tree comes down and the presents put away. No hope for that extra game in February. Gone, all gone. Blah.

**My motivation to cook dinner. I don't get any domestic traits honestly, so for me to actually get into the kitchen and cook takes some doing. Usually, I can put on "Around the Horn" (aka "Sports Shouting" for all you 30 Rock fans!) and listen to Woody and the fellows debate while whipping up one of my signature dishes - of which I only have several. All the sports stimuli truly gets me into the culinary spirit and, dare I say it, I find it enjoyable - especially when "Pardon the Interruption" follows. As you might guess, I can't watch these shows anymore and, thus, I have zero drive to cook anything. I hope we don't starve. I really, really do. But unless something turns around on the gridiron, I can't promise anything.

**My will to live. Just kidding - come on, now! I know I'm crazy about those stinky Steelers, but I haven't completely lost it! Especially when you consider there are still four more games on the schedule and if all the stars aligned just so and several AFC teams got lost on their way to the stadiums on Sunday afternoon and perhaps a few of them took pity on Pittsburgh and forfeited, we're still alive for a Wild Card spot!! Here We Go, Pittsburgh - Stairway to Seven, baby!!

Wants and Needs

This time of year, one might be tempted to give in to the urges from advertisers that you "NEED" this or that or some other thing. One may find oneself bombarded with catalogues from Sears and Lands End and Bass Pro Shops every time the mailbox is opened. To combat this I shop consistently all year long, so that this time of year is no harder or easier than, say, the middle of March.

But I kid - kind of. It is easy to get caught up in looking around to marvel at all the stuff out there from which to choose. Sometimes, in the grocery store, I get a slight panic attack when I realize just how much food is in there. I remember the stories of foreigners from, say, the old Soviet Union who visited American supermarkets to nearly faint at the sheer amount of fresh food available at all times with no rations or shortages. These tales play through my head as I push my cart around and around and past all the aisles of wares I've never even looked at, let alone eaten. (An aside: I hate the grocery store. This is only one of many reasons why.)

As if this wasn't enough, Christmas piles on the pressure, even though it is often subtle. I'm fairly adept at ignoring most ploys, but sometimes I find myself pulled into a pile of overpriced sweatshirts and actually consider whether to purchase one. Then, I may see a pretty charm bracelet placed ever so conveniently next to this display and think, "Hmm. That would match so nicely." Before you can blink, I've racked up a potential price tag of over one hundred dollars.

Is it the soft Christmas music playing and the warm, homey smells of the small store? Why do I suddenly feel that I simply can not leave without these trinkets? I don't know how to answer this, but I quickly come to my senses and realize these are not necessities - especially at over one hundred dollars. Good golly!

Yes, that red sweatshirt and silver bracelet might be things I want - especially at that moment. But when I return home to find two excited pups and one smiling husband waiting for me, I understand precisely how much those things do not matter.

I do have all the things I need right here. All year 'round.

Impending Holiday Mayhem

It's Mashed Potato Season - aka Thanksgiving and Christmas-time. Time for frantic holiday traveling schedules and overindulgence of food and drink. And I, for one, can't wait! Bring it on!

But, the hidden excitement for me in this time of year lies in the cinema. The quality films are set to debut, and there are more than a few I am anxious to see. Even though the list is mainly high-brow, there are several movies destined for no bigger an award than the MTV movie popcorn man - and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Don't count out a pleasure just because it happens to be guilty!

**The Twilight Saga - New Moon: Okay. Spare me the criticism. I have plenty of problems with Ms. Meyer's books and that could be a series of blog posts itself. But, no one could accuse her of not telling a damn fine story or failing to invent intriguing characters. And I might be the only person on the planet who found the "Twilight" movie somewhat more fascinating than the first book - it could be the stylistic director, Catherine Hardwicke of "Thirteen" fame, or the mystique of Robert Pattinson's oddness. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it somehow penetrated my subconscious and, thus, I am looking forward to the next installment in a way even I had not anticipated. While I won't be able to muddle through crowds of squealing teens on the first weekend, I will catch it eventually. (FYI: I'm Team Jacob. Big time. How is that even a debate?)

**The Blind Side: My big weakness when it comes to movies? Sports stories. Even better? Football films. This true tale of Michael Oher's life and eventual draft into the NFL could be only mediocre and I guarantee I'll still shed tears. The trailer alone is kind of a weeper. But, the early reviews are that it's quite good and after reading a story about the real adoptive mother, Sandra Bullock's Leigh Ann Tuohy, and how she's such a pistol even Ms. Bullock was intimidated when meeting her, I'm so looking forward to this one. Strangely enough, "serious" movies are often uber-depressing and realistic. We already know this one comes out with a happy ending and so you can look forward to two hours of goodness.

**Precious: Definitely designed to make you squirm and think rather than feel good about yourself, this award season front-runner is high on my short list. Helmed by an unknown youngster, Gabourey Sidibie, and comic Mo'Nique, this is a dark inner-city tale of an abused teenager surrounded by poverty and bleakness. The acting is rumored to be devestating and the melodrama nearly on the brink. Having said that, one can guess my husband is hardly interested, as the trailer alone is way "too real" for him. As for me, I am pretty much frothing at the mouth to get my ticket. It can't get "too real" for me, as evidenced by my love of documentaries and films like "Sherrybaby." And I'm rooting for director Lee Daniels to become only the second African American nominated for Best Director at the Academy Awards. (John Singleton for "Boyz 'n the Hood" in 1991 is the first - and only, at this point. And a bit of trivia for you: Lee Daniels is openly gay, a fact which would make his nomination doubly influential in terms of Oscar history.)

**Invictus: The true story of Nelson Mandela, played by perennial good guy Morgan Freeman, and the inspirational 1995 Rugby World Cup in South Africa, this one is destined to be fantastic. If you don't know the almost too-good-to-be-true tale - which I didn't until the Espy awards this past summer - Nelson Mandela basically united a bloody, torn, damaged nation through rugby. While that is incredibly overly simplistic to the point of being offensive, I think we should all just see this Clint Eastwood movie. (What screams "Oscar" like Clint Eastwood?) To drive home the point - Matt Damon stars as the rugby team captain. Ahhh...what could be better than that?

**Brothers: After seeing the trailer while watching "Public Enemies" I became obsessed with this tale of two brothers, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire, and their war-influenced love triangle with one brother's wife, Natalie Portman. Again, this looks disturbing and dramatic and...awesome. It might not win any awards, but I'll be the judge of whether it wins a spot in my DVD collection. (Early odds indicate yes.)

**Up in the Air: I truly don't know many details about this new George Clooney film. But, knowing it stars George Clooney, what other details do you really need?

And I'll see you at the movies...after the last helping of mashed potatoes, naturally.

Spooktacular, Spooktacular

It's the most wonderful time of the year: fall. The weather and leaves and smells are all great. But, really, it's the football which truly makes it all perfection. Our weekends in Morgantown for WVU games have simply been heavenly and this past Sunday, we capped it off with a bonus trip to Heniz Field to jeer Brett Favre to his first loss of the season. My sincere inner peace at this simple feat can not be exaggerated. There are no words. It. Was. Awesome.

Anyway, now it's all downhill to Halloween, which is one of my favorite holidays, even though I don't always get to dress-up anymore and my trick-or-treating is a past memory. But, I do make it a fine tradition to scare myself silly with some spooky flicks. I can enjoy the traditional "Halloween" and "Nightmare on Elm Street" and I'm not squeamish when it comes to gore. I had a fine time with "Sorority Row" and "Last House on the Left" - both the old and new versions. But, I thought I'd share some of my real favorites - not just movies, but true films:

**The Exorcist: Simply put, it's the single best, most frightening film ever made. Even now, having watched it a million times, I appreciate the underlying horror in every frame. The director's version with that new shot of the "backward stair-walk" caused me sleeplessness for a few days - and I was in my twenties.

**Rosemary's Baby: My absolute favorite in the genre, the tone of this movie is one I find most interesting. I've watched it so many times, I can recite the dialogue by memory. Mia Farrow is absolute perfcection. That devil rape scene? Pretty darn disturbing.

**The Sixth Sense: Nothing compares to the first time, but even after you know the reveal, the whole film holds up well. It's a modern masterpiece, I think.

**The Shining: Oh, Jack, you are something else. Nothing compares to the book for sheer terror, but this film, with its eerie wide shots and haunting score still gets under my skin. Classic.

**Picnic at Hanging Rock: Not your regular horror film at all, but if you have not seen this Peter Weir marvel, you should. It's got the creepiest foreboding dread and will certainly stick with you. Nothing outrageous happens, but I don't like to watch it by myself.

I hope to add to this list, as "Paranormal Activity" has arrived in Asheville. I love when tiny films like that take everyone by surprise. I also read a story that when Stepen Spielberg screened the DVD at this home, he walked into his hallway and found his bathroom door locked, which caused him to believe the DVD was haunted. Now, that's a movie I must watch!

Have a Ghoulishy Wicked Halloween. Don't get too scared!